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(Martin O’Neill enters the living room, he flops down in his favourite armchair, takes off his glasses, rubs his forehead vigoursly, puts glasses back on and pushes them up the bridge of his nose. His wife enters the room with a concerned look on her face)

MRS O’NEILL ‘Love, we really need to talk about the shopping situation.’

O’NEILL ‘As i’ve said on numerous occasions, I am addressing the situation.’

MRS O’NEILL ‘But love, it’s now been six weeks since we ordered our last lot of shopping from Sainsbury’s’

O’NEILL ‘It’s an ongoing situation, I am looking closely at various food options, Naturally you wouldn’t just expect me to name the brand and type of biscuits and crisps i’m targeting, it’ll take just a wee while longer.’

MRS O’NEILL ‘We are running out of food rapidly, and I have to be honest love, a lot of the things you ordered last time were a waste of money.’

O’NEILL ‘I refute that, what was a waste of money?’

MRS O’NEILL ‘Well for example, you insisted on buying that African Togo Jerk sauce, you tried one spoonful of it and then shoved the jar to the back of the cupboard. Then there were the 6 bottles of English wine you bought, who buys English wine?’

O’NEILL ‘Those English wines are terrific, they just need to mature under the stairs for a couple of years.’

MRS O’NEILL ‘ The Ginger wine you got seemed nice, but even that turned out to be corked.’

O’NEILL ‘I thought you enjoyed the Spanish Rioja I got?’

MRS O’NEILL ‘I’ll never know how nice that would have tasted, £15 a bottle and you poured most if it into a spaghetti bolagnese, it wasn’t bought for that.’

O’NEILL ‘Not everything was bad’

MRS O’NEILL ‘No, I suppose the Lee Evans DVD was quite good, although we had already seen it when we borrowed it some time ago, we shouldn’t have paid £20 for it.’

O’NEILL ‘There is nothing to be concerned about, i’m growing some promising young veg in the garden, we can always make use of that.’

MRS O’NEILL ‘We can’t live on saplings love, we need food in the cupboard by Monday at the latest.’

O’NEILL ‘When is the deadline for getting them to deliver for Monday?’

MRS O’NEILL ‘Saturday at 6pm.’

O’NEILL ‘Well i’m certainly not worrying at this moment in time, there are plenty of other options that might come to fruition through Tesco or Asda’s websites, i’m giving it great consideration.’

(Mrs O’Neill exhales a heavy sigh, exits the living room feeling dejected, O’Neill stretches back in his armchair, he’s feeling sleepy and totally relaxed, just down the hallway the antique Grandfather clicks it’s ever turning rhythm, all is well in his world as the arms of Morpheus envelope him)